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Tue, Dec. 15th, 2009, 01:28 am
![[i]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) locatei: 223/365
Once upon a time, watching TV used to be a huge part of my life. When I was struggling with chronic social anxiety, didn't have the internet, and barely left the house, I spent many hours watching TV. I also read books, smoked way too much weed, and drew comics ... but TV was definitely a huge part of my life. Even before my society anxiety got really bad too. I think a part of it was because I got to listen and understand everything that was being said, through reading the captions, which was something I didn't really have access to in my everyday life.
I remember the first time I watched something that was captioned, it was when I was about... 9 years old I think? Crybaby was my first movie I watched with captions, it was so exciting, we then immediately watched Tremors after that. My family didn't have cable until I was a pre-teenager I think. I remember before that watching Next Generation with my mom on the one channel we were able to get on our little black and white tv.
As a teenager I became hooked on Days of Our Lives and watched that shit for uh 12 years... and I had a lot of shows I would drop everything to watch, it became routine, it became something I looked forward to, and eventually it was nearly the only company I had for quite a while. Then when I moved to the States I stopped watching TV as often as I used to, especially in Texas. Once I came back to Canada I was watching sooo much less TV but still felt like I should pay for cable. Last Spring I realized while I was paying for cable, I was watching maybe a hour a week, so I cancelled cable. It'll be a year this spring, and I don't really miss it. I sometime download episodes to watch on my computer such as Firefly and whatnot... and when LOST comes back on, I'll go to my mom's house and watch it with her, haha... but overall, it feels great to not care about cable anymore.
It is really an odd thing, how much we all rely on entertainment through a little box, and while I'd like to say that I am over it, I really just moved from one box to another, ie: my computer. Ha.
Mon, Dec. 14th, 2009, 02:28 am
locatei: 222/365
I've been feeling pretty good about myself when it comes to gender shite. I feel a lot freer lately to just present myself the way I want to, but also at the same time feel more comfortable in my own skin. It's so nice, so fucking nice.
Mon, Dec. 14th, 2009, 01:33 am
locatei: 221/365
Today was a good day, although quite rushed. Woke up at M's house, had brunch, then went to my place to get some stuff done, such as volunteer work and then ended up meeting up with friends for dinner, and then back home for a little bit where I got a chance to catch up on life with a dear friend Jason who I have known for um.. 8 years now I guess, through livejournal and then we eventually met in Texas! We now both don't live in Texas anymore and life has brought on a lot of changes for both of us. While chatting I decided to do my self portrait and have a quick cup of coffee before going out dancing.
Busy busy busy but I find myself liking it. Who would have thought.
Mon, Dec. 14th, 2009, 01:10 am
locatei: 220/365
I'm really lucky, because of my grandfather who was obsessed with his family tree, my family is in possession of a lot of amazing old portraits of our ancestors... I find it so intriguing to look at the portraits, and try to imagine the lives they led, their loves they won and lost, struggles, and dreams. But it's so hard to really know, by just looking at a picture... you might catch a glimpse, a mischevous sparkle in their eye... or a hint of sadness... but the rest is up to you to imagine.
In a way, the mystery that surrounds the portraits is perhaps the most interesting aspect. Nowadays, it's so easy, google someone's name and you often can find endless information on that person. There is soooo much crap out there on me over the years, it's not even funny. Also, so much of it is all digital photography, which is kinda bittersweet. It's cheaper to just have most of it digitally for sure, but there's something special to having a photograph you can hold in your hands, kinda like a paper journal. I used to have a whole bunch of paper journals as I started journalizing when I was 11 and didn't start writing online until I was 21... and sometimes when I think about how I never write in paper journals anymore, it leaves me feeling a bit sad. Although writing online has brought me feedback, community, friends, and hell even a marriage. Ha.
Still. There's something special about a mysterious photograph that you can hold in your hands.
Wed, Dec. 9th, 2009, 10:47 pm
locatei: 218/365
Guess what? I'm sick again.
I *just* got over my cold... and then like a few days later, I get sick again. My body sucks, or rather I suck at taking care of my body, yes that's more accurate. I am starting to look really rough in the mornings, haha.
Also, I think I have worn this sweater three times since Sunday... It's Wednesday now.
Wed, Dec. 9th, 2009, 10:45 pm
locatei: 217/365
So.......
I have decided I need to move again. Yep. When I first decided to move into this apartment, I told myself that I could afford it as long as I busted my ass and sold art etc... but of course I suck at being a motivated person. I am alright at making art but SELLING/MARKETING my shit is a whole other ballgame. So I just went deeper into debt and now it's my biggest stress. So... time to move. Time to try and live with roomies again. It'll be good paying less rent...
It'll be interesting though, I tend to prefer to do my portraits all alone, and with roomies around that will be a whole new challenge.
I'm sad to say bye to this amazing apartment, it sure was a kickass place. I now need to downsize somehow... somehow, get rid of a lot of stuff, but the stuff in this picture is, without a question, coming with me.
It's such a joke at this point. I moved back to Victoria in July 2007, since then I have moved 5 times. My BFF Juliana said to me when I moved into this apartment, that she bet I would move within months and I was all like NO WAY! THIS IS MY DREAM APARTMENT, I'M NEVER MOVING!!!! Well until it's time to move to Vancouver!
Oops, I guess she knows me better than I do. =P
Ah, time for a new adventure.
( large )
Wed, Dec. 9th, 2009, 10:40 pm
locatei: 216/365
I am not impressed today.
1) Came home and smelled gas. Checked my stove to make sure it wasn't leaking or anything and decided it must be coming from the apartment downstairs. The smell then gave me a headache.
2) Stressed out on money, debt, money... money... MONEY!
3) Saw how one of the light bulbs was out so I unscrewed the glass to get to the bulb and thought to myself, gotta be careful, don't wanna drop the glass... and of course it slipped out of my hand and I watched in horror as it flew to the floor in slow motion and smashed into a million pieces. Ugh.
4) Heat then immediately stopped working. Yep. This is not a good day.
BUT Kai then came over for dinner, and told me that it smelled like paint not gas, ooooh and then heat came back on! Kai's good for this home!
Wed, Dec. 9th, 2009, 10:38 pm
locatei: 215/365
I've always loved to fog up mirrors and windows then write secret messages and smiley faces. When I was a teenager I had this thing that I'd do right after I got out of the shower, I'd go up to the mirror, draw a heart and then write the name of my current crush in the middle of the heart and then wipe it down. Making sure to scatter and smear as I wiped it down so next time the mirror fogged up, you wouldn't be able to read the name. It was a ritual of mine. When I stop and think about it, I had quite a lot of different little rituals, even some that I still do to this day. Such as holding my breath as we go through a tunnel in a car and making a wish, knowing that if I take another breath before we got out of the tunnel, the wish would be no good.
Wed, Dec. 9th, 2009, 10:36 pm
locatei: 214/365
This is me doing laundry, preparing for my ASL club, and taking my self portrait for the day at the same time. How's that for multi-tasking?!
I'm at my mom's place btw, she can't decide what colour to paint the wall, hence the different coloured smears of paint on the wall... although she just told me that she has decided on what color, I didn't ask which one she went with... knowing her, it's probably something else.
Sat, Dec. 5th, 2009, 02:23 am
locatei: 213/365
When I say I have nightmares, they're never your usual weird dreams where you're being chased by a monster or a serial killer or, whatever. Granted I DO have those sort of dreams, but my nightmares usually are about family and friends. Usually it's full of screaming, crying, kicking, anger, sadness, and frustration. It got really bad to the point where I had nightmares every night for several years. Now it's not too bad but it still happens weekly.
I've had dreams from... being shot by a family member to trying to strangle a family member [I'll just not say who because it's too weird, haha]. Sometimes my dreams make no sense, and all it tells me is that I um, have issues or something.
Several of my earliest dreams that I remember, were about my grandmother.
This portrait is based on a dream that I've had about my grandmother... and I think it's a really good one that kinda describes my experience with my grandmother as a child/teenager.
In the dream I am in this building, kinda like Market Square, with all those stores to go into and explore and there were several floors. My sister is with me. I'm exploring all the stores, opening the doors and looking inside to see what sort of treasures were in there. One store had a room full of gems, so I waddled through it all and shoved them into my pockets, then I looked down and realized the gems all turned into maggots, so i ran out of the store.
My sister and I decided to go to the very top of the building where our grandmother apparently lived. As we went inside, I told my grandma about the room full of gems that turned into maggots. But as I was telling her, I saw how she was looking at me really strangely, so I stopped and started to back away from her. She looked at me with this really eeire expression while hiding something behind her back and signing with one hand that I have been a bad little girl that has been doing everything the wrong way, and that she'd fix me.
She raised her hand up and hit my head with a hammer in her hand.
I then woke up.
Sat, Dec. 5th, 2009, 02:19 am
locatei: 212/365
Alter Ego Queer Dance is tonight! I decided to make a hat at the very last minute so I started it.
The ears, they slip over my own and you can see my ears [although in the picture i photoshopped the elf ear and my ear together, hehe, if only we could do that IRL....] so I decided a hat with ear holes would work best.
The dance was SO FUN. So many costumes, lovely friends, dancing, dancing, and dancing. I love dancing SO much. It's kinda sad how I didn't really dance for so many years. I always felt a bit insecure dancing to music that I can't hear, but I just don't care anymore.
A lot of people thought I was Peter Pan though.
( yay! )
Sat, Dec. 5th, 2009, 02:09 am
locatei: 211/365
I hate admitting it but I rely on my scale a lot, it has the ability to make or ruin my day... some months I almost forget about the scale and go on with life but then one day I become obsessed all over again and will weigh myself every morning, sometimes several times a day. Right now I've been pretty good, although I have gained 15 pounds [damn you queers for teaching me to like drinking beer too much!]... which makes me cringe, really only because I like to appear androgynous and when I gain weight, it becomes harder... and it makes my gender dysphoria lot worse.
But what I notice is that for the longest time I felt most attracted to people who were super lanky, very androgynous looking... but I think it was more of a case where I wanted to BE them... and I had to learn to separate the two, attraction toward someone because I thought they were hot/interesting, and attraction toward someone mostly because I wished I looked like them. Since then, I have seen a shift when it comes to people I feel more sexually attracted to, who are of "regular" weight or bigger. I love soft skin, something to grab and hold on, the curves, and the warmth.... yet I still struggle with my own body.
Our relationship with our own bodies... it's an interesting thing.
Sat, Dec. 5th, 2009, 02:05 am
locatei: 210/365
Alter Ego Queer Dance Party is in a few days. The theme is obviously coming as your alter ego, or who you are inside, and so on. I chose to go as an elf.
A favourite story of mine is how my mom asked me one day when I was a child, what I would like to be when I grew up. Most kids would say a teacher, a lawyer, a cheerleader, a scientist, a policeman, and so on. But me? I looked at my mom and signed "an elf!"
Ever since I was seven years old and discovered ElfQuest I have been obsessed with the idea of being an elf, to the point where friends and lovers would call me their little elf... and now with my gender stuff, it becomes even more appropriate to call me elf instead of a girl or boy.
But 21 years later I still haven't had a chance to dress up and look like an elf until this dance. Super excited! I'm sewing my pants for the costume in the picture!
Below is the costume after I finished sewing! Now for some elf ears...
( costume! )
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